While the the Obama administration has been taking some flak for its reliance on hashtag diplomacy as the primary means for dealing with serious international situations, the recent #bringbackourgirls campaign appears to be showing some results.
In an just released video, Abubakar Shekau, the leader of Boko Haram, has announced to the world their true motivations for this heinous act along with their conditions for releasing the girls. Through a translator provided by the United Nations, he mentioned the following:
After #bringbackourgirls began trending up recently, we found it necessary to let the world know why we have done what we have.
The events that have transpired are not our fault and they have nothing to do with our belief in radical Islam and the spread of Sharia Law. We kidnapped these girls because of the global warming crisis; a crisis that America seems unwilling to deal with.
You call what we do terrorism, but climate change is the true terrorism, and it is the world’s largest weapon of mass destruction.
We are willing to consider the release of our prisoners and become citizens of the world once we see serious efforts by the international community to bring an end to this serious crisis.
Referencing a recent speech he gave in Indonesia, Secretary of State John Kerry’s office agreed with the terrorist group’s claims by comparing global warming to other threats such as terrorism or nuclear proliferation. “We all have to approach (climate change) together,” Kerry insisted, adding that “in a sense climate change can now be considered another weapon of mass destruction, perhaps even the world’s most fearsome weapon.”
Pentagon officials also concurred with the terrorists by referencing the 2014 Quadrennial Defense Review, a report that contends that climate change has become an enabler of terrorism.
Speaking for the President, White House adviser John Podesta’s office issued a statement that this news provides a win-win situation for Obama:
“We have long advocated that there is no such thing as Islamic terrorism, which is why we stopped calling it terrorism several years ago and started calling it man-caused disasters,” said Podesta,” and we also believe in the threat climate change presents the world.”
“Now, more than ever, as I have been advocating, it’s time for the President to act with or without Congress to reduce CO2. If we do, we will make the earth a cleaner place for our children’s children, while eliminating man-caused disasters around the world.”
“This announcement from Boko Haram simply confirms this policy.”
In response to the terrorists call to action, Harry Reid is proposing that criminal charges be brought against the Koch brothers for the kidnapping. It was Senator Reid who first revealed that the Koch brothers—against whom Reid has launched a personal vendetta—were one of the primary causes of global warming.
“With the global warming connection to terrorism now confirmed, this is a logical step to take,” said Reid.
Attempts to reach the Koch family for comment were unsuccessful.
Disclaimer: This story is satire, which means that it’s not true, but the links in it are real. However, as these links conclusively prove, if we fail to vote in the primaries and the November elections for Conservatives committed to “protect and defend the Constitution of the United States,” this story could be more real than you can imagine.