In anticipation of rule changes about to happen within the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America concerning homosexuals in the ministry, applications are being taken for the numerous openings that are expected to become available….
HELP WANTED: The Evangelical Lutheran Church of America is looking to hire “ministers” for their many local congregations across the country. Qualified candidates will possess the following skills:
- Progressive Theology – Having determined that “traditional” beliefs are passe, we are looking for people who don’t hold to biblical views of right and wrong. A hard and fast conviction to the belief that there are many paths to God is a minimum requirement.
- Flexible beliefs – As a church desiring to reach out to those who feel uncomfortable with the feelings of guilt that can result when faced with their sins, we desire leaders that can think “outside-the-box” for ways to help people find their own path to salvation. The ability to compromise is essential.
- Firm commitment to promoting alternative lifestyles – We believe that God’s plan is all inclusive, and as a result, must certainly be intended to embrace the diversity of any sexual lifestyle. The “choices” of others when it comes to sexuality must be accepted unconditionally.
As we move forward, the people we select will ensure that the limitations of believing in such antiquated things such as Jesus being the only way to God, or the belief that there are absolutes concerning right and wrong, will be replaced with the reality that Jesus is only a way and that absolute right and wrong is a relative issue, unique to each individuals personal values.
We aren’t looking for counselors or preachers. Instead, we are seeking cheerleaders who will root for their congregants as they do whatever they want to do and feel is right for them. Guilt-free isn’t just a slogan – it’s a way of life.
Are you the person we are looking for? Apply at your local Lutheran congregation if you feel you meet these stringent requirements. Previous experience, or a belief in Jesus Christ or the Bible, not required or desired.