Sources Confirm Bo Ate The Gitmo Report

BoWHDogIn one of his first orders of business as the new President, the messiah defiantly issued an executive order shutting down Gitmo prison. Typical of the most inexperienced President in history, this action was taken too quickly and was lacking in details.

To address this lack of specifics, he established a task force (what, no czar?) to do the dirty work he was unwilling or unable to do.

Since their assignment didn’t involved spending trillions of dollars on economic stimulus, cap and tax (oops, I mean cap and trade) or a government takeover of the nation’s healthcare system, they were given six months to complete their task. After all, national security is nowhere near as urgent as spending trillions of dollars you don’t have on programs you don’t need.

In a surprise announcement, we have learned that the report will not be available on tomorrow’s due date. While Obama being late is more the norm than the exception, and considering that he’s already under a lot of heat for his numerous miscalculations on just about everything else, it would be easy to think that he is responsible for this delay, but you would be wrong.

In an unofficial statement on the matter, we have learned that the chosen one had a report ready to present to America which would have provided recommendations on how terror suspects should be interrogated, held in custody or handed over to other countries.

According to an unnamed source, Barry left the report on his desk while he watched replays of his acceptance speech in Denver and his inaugural address in Washington, D.C. to find some inspiration for the prime time news conference he will be holding later this week. During this time, Bo (the White House dog) apparently found his way into the Oval Office and made a meal of the vital report.

“The dog ate his homework,” stated the unnamed source. “While that might sound like one of Obama’s typical weak excuses, this time it’s the real deal.”

When asked about a computer backup of the information, the source stated that it was also destroyed.

“We had the whole report backed up on a jump drive so the President could download it on his Blackberry. He left it laying on top of the report, so we are certain it was destroyed as well.”

When asked about how long it would be before the report could be reproduced, officials in the administration felt it would take another six months.

“With all the work the President has ahead of him before the end of the year with the economy, health care and the environment, not to mention at least 4 or 5 apology trips around the world, it’s unreasonable to think it could be done any quicker,” the source confirmed. “Besides, it’s not like those prisoners are going anywhere, unless it’s to the Bahamas or someplace like that. Right?”

Teleprompter Update:   After a successful reflector transplant, it is expected that Mr. T (the nick name of the teleprompter-in-chief) will be fully recovered from last week’s tragic accident and will be assisting Obama with his news conference Wednesday night.

 

What others had to say: