Rapture Or Not, Here I Come!

May 20, 2011
By

Well folks, we’re less than 24 hours away from Rapture 2.0 (Camping’s 1.0 version was released Sept. 6, 1994).

Even though no man knows the hour or the day, not even the Son of Man (I guess God figures He can’t trust His Only Begotten Son with certain insider information) Harold Camping has used totally random numbers and some creative mathmatics to raise money prepare the world for the Lord’s return.

By Camping’s understanding, the Bible was dictated by God and every word and number carries a spiritual significance. He noticed that particular numbers appeared in the Bible at the same time particular themes are discussed.

The number 5, Camping concluded, equals “atonement.” Ten is “completeness.” Seventeen means “heaven.” Camping patiently explained how he reached his conclusion for May 21, 2011.

“Christ hung on the cross April 1, 33 A.D.,” he began. “Now go to April 1 of 2011 A.D., and that’s 1,978 years.”

Camping then multiplied 1,978 by 365.2422 days – the number of days in each solar year, not to be confused with a calendar year.

Next, Camping noted that April 1 to May 21 encompasses 51 days. Add 51 to the sum of previous multiplication total, and it equals 722,500.

Camping realized that (5 x 10 x 17) x (5 x 10 x 17) = 722,500.

Or put into words: (Atonement x Completeness x Heaven), squared.

Now we know why Jesus didn’t have a clue. He wasn’t a math major. So, when is the big event?

Approximately 6pm, one time zone at a time, on May 21, 2011. I’m not sure if that’s daylight savings or standard time, but I guess God can’t handle taking everybody up at once, so He’s spreading it out over 24 hours.

I’m not sure exactly why it’s “approximately” 6pm. Maybe God has a hard time making a firm commitment (which would explain why He keeps changing the date) or He likes to be fashionably late to special events. Regardless of His reason of not pinning down a time, He’s definitely coming back this time. . . no, really.

Color me skeptical, but I have some doubt about the whole thing. Still, I felt I should have a backup plan. . . just in case.

 

This approach comes to me with great relief. I already have two dogs and being Alaskan Malamutes, they are plenty big enough to take not only me, but my wife too.

And all my friends wondered why I wanted such big dogs.

Well, I better get this posted or alot of you won’t be here to read it.

I will now allow R.E.M. to sum up my feelings on this “dummy with the rapture” false prophet.  Notice the kid in this video has his dog. . . just in case.

 

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