Osama Bin Laden – al-Qaida’s Al Gore

At last, we know the real reason for Osama Bin Laden’s desire to destroy America. It turns out he doesn’t hate the U.S., he just wants to save the planet from the ravages of glo-BULL warming.

Disappointed that he was unable to attend the recent meetings in Copenhagen, he released a special audio message this past weekend. 

In it, the murderous leader of al-Qaida informed the world that his main reason for his jihad against the Western world is due to his great concern for the earth, calling for boycotts against America – or as he lovingly calls us, “the Great Satan.”

“The effects of global warming have touched every continent. Drought and deserts are spreading, while from the other floods and hurricanes unseen before the previous decades have now become frequent,” bin Laden said in the audiotape, aired on the Arab TV network Al-Jazeera.

“People of the world, it’s not right for the burden to be left on the mujahedeen (holy warriors) in an issue that causes harm to everyone,” he said. “Boycott them to save yourselves and your possessions and your children from climate change and to live proud and free.”

You know, I thought America was already living “proud and free.”

No matter – I’m sure if the world had boycotted America, Bin Laden wouldn’t have had to sacrifice those “holy warriors” by sending them on suicide missions – crashing airplanes into buildings and detonating car bombs – all the while killing thousands. If only people would stop buying items stamped “Made in the U.S.A.” 

Of course, there’s still that little issue of the 72 virgins for holy warriors who blow themselves to smithereens, but maybe Bin Laden feels that if he can save the earth, it won’t be necessary to die in order have sex with a virgin.

In a related story, it has been rumored that Al Gore (who shares some eerie similarities with the terrorist) has sent a letter of gratitude to Bin Laden for his “holy war against CO2” and offered to donate carbon offsets to deal with CO2 emissions created by any hijacked airplanes or car bombs in the future.  

“The former Vice-President has been on the defensive for quite some time lately as a result of the non-stop revelations concerning the numerous errors contained in his ‘Inconvenient Truth’ movie, not to mention the questionable Noble Prize he received from it,” stated an anonomous source. “He’s always on the lookout for kindred spirits to help spread the word.”

“While we obviously have a few disagreements with Bin Laden concerning some of his actions, we feel that it’s more of a difference of methodology – not message,” the source added. “With the death and destruction that climate change will cause, it’s not all that different than the death and destruction caused by al-Qaida.”

Though Obama refused comment on the issue, he has expressed support for Osama’s “blame Bush” approach to the issue, having played that card for many of his own policy failures. 

While some might argue Bin Laden is attempting to draw a wider public into his fight against the United States with this latest message to America, there will be those who feel that he is unclenching his fist in search of an open hand.

Now, where did I hear that “open hand – clenched fist” thing before?

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