White House – In a special press conference, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that the most vital member of the President’s staff collapsed today during a press briefing on the economy.
“At approximately 10:55 am (EST) today, the President’s trusted speech advisor collapsed while participating with him in a briefing on the economy. The Teleprompter of the United States, affectionally referred to as ‘Mr. T’ by those of us closest to him, shattered as one of his glass reflectors fell to the floor.”
While the accident wasn’t fatal, the Teleprompter of the United States remained in critical condition as the White House made plans for obtaining another reflector through the international teleprompter donor program. As he fought back the tears, Mr. Gibbs continued:
“We have placed Mr. T on the waiting list to receive a reflector transplant. While we are hopeful that he will get his new reflector in time for the President’s next speaking event, all we can do at this time is wait. Even the Teleprompter of the United States has to get in line and wait his turn, just like everyday teleprompters all across America have to do. All we can do right now is keep him comfortable.”
One of the most impressive aspects of the incident was the perseverence demonstrated by the TOTUS as he continued assisting the President after the collapse. Operating with only one reflector, the TOTUS was clearly operating at only half strength, yet he pressed on. This perseverence even impressed the President.
“There can be no doubt that I wouldn’t be where I am today without Mr. T. Because of his help, I don’t sound like a blundering boob when I speak to America. I know the country agrees with me on this, and I hope they share my heartbreak over this tragedy. I ask America to keep him in their thoughts and prayers.”
In a statement from Vice President Biden, he expressed deep remorse for making a joke about the TOTUS after wind had blown it down during graduation ceremonies at the United States Air Force Academy. It was there that Mr. Biden commented about how he wasn’t sure what to tell the President, now that “his teleprompter was broken.” This obvious gaffe was clearly weighing heavy on his mind.
“I feel very guilty about making light of a situation that might have actually contributed to what happened today. The same reflector that broke was the one that blew over at the graduation. I’m known for saying stupid things, but I would never intentionally say anything that might cause Mr. T any harm or embarrassment. My thoughts and prayers go out to him.”
The administration refused to offer further details concerning the tragedy, but promised to keep the country informed of any changes to the status of the TOTUS. They wanted to reiterate however, that “reports of Mr. T’s demise are premature.”
In the CNN video below, we have documentation of the tragic details of the event. Viewers are advised that the images are very graphic and may be disturbing. We recommend discretion.
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