Obama Announces “Cash for Codgers”

OldCoupleThe White House called a special news conference today to announce a new incentive to be added to the messiah’s government takeover of the nation’s healthcare industry.

Speaking for the President, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs spelled out the administrations new “Cash for Codgers” program, which is based on the huge success of the auto industry’s “Cash for Clunkers” program, which paid consumers to turn in their older, less productive automobiles for new, more productive and useful ones.

“Drawing from the better-than-expected results of the auto program, the administration feels they have found the perfect solution to the troublesome question of what to do with older, less productive citizens near the end of their usefullness.” stated Gibbs. “The parallels concerning the benefits are uncanny.”

The adminstration provided the following to prove their point:

  1. The Clunker program removes unproductive cars – the Codger program removes unproductive citizens.
  2. The Clunker program saves natural resources due to reduced consumption of fuel – the Codger program saves natural resources due to reduced consumption of fuel (dead people don’t need heat in winter or air conditioning in summer).
  3. The Clunker program results in lower CO2 emissions – the Codger program does too (no breathing means no CO2).
  4. The Clunker program results in a younger fleet of autos – the Codger program results in a younger fleet of citizens.
  5. The Clunker program lowers auto maintenance costs – the Codger program lowers health maintenance costs (fewer people – lower costs).
  6. The Clunker program benefits the government run auto industry – the Codger program benefits the government run healthcare industry.  

Vouchers for the new healthcare program would be used just as they were for Cash for Clunkers, meaning that they will be applied to the purchase of new healthcare coverage and not given to participants as cash.

“The President felt that it would be a little tacky to turn this into a type of ‘bounty hunter’ program, although everything is on the table at this time,” stated Gibbs. “This isn’t Logan’s Run, afterall,” he chuckled. (Logan’s run is a sci-fi movie where no one was permitted to live beyond 30 years old due to limited resources).

The administration still needs to determine how much money they will offer for the new program. The amount given under the auto program was determined based on the amount of “improvement” society would realize as a result of the transaction.

“With Cash for Clunkers, it was easy to look at the facts and determine that there would be a net gain of “x” miles per gallon or there would be a reduction of “x” amounts of CO2, but evaluating the value of a human life is much tougher,” said Gibbs, “particularly when you consider that we have no idea if the codger has 1, 3, 5 years or more.”

“However, we’ve never let the absence of facts stop us from doing what we want in the past and that isn’t likely to change now.”

As the press conference concluded, Mr. Gibbs emphasized that the program will pay for both old men and old women.

“While the word “codger” literally refers to an old man, payments under this program will be made for both men and women. It’s just that a program called ‘Cash for old men and women’ would have been a bit too obvious, not to mention not being quite as catchy.”


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