In an exclusive interview, it has been revealed that Senator John Kerry (D-MA) has been coaching Barry Obama on how to deal with his apparent flip-flop concerning the closing of the prison located at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Realizing that taking both sides to an issue can be politically disastrous, the Apologist-in-Chief went to one of the best in the game at speaking from both sides of his mouth.
If you’ll recall, it was during the 2004 Presidential election that Kerry perfected the art of explaining how he can be “against” something and “for” something at the same time, and make it sound like a good political strategy.
“I have established myself as the king of flip-flopping when it served my personal ambitions. For instance, I rejected my service in Vietnam – even throwing away my Purple Hearts – when I thought it would help me get my political career started, but embraced it when I wanted to look like I supported the military when I ran for president in 2004,” Kerry stated with pride.
“You saw it again in my famous ‘I actually voted for the $87 billion before I voted against it’ statement, a vote that coincidentally involved another war - the war in Iraq.”
That kind of double-mindedness about issues concerning war policy – often referred to as “niche” flip-flopping – is exactly the kind of coaching Obama needs, since his administration made closing Gitmo a primary objective in dealing with the war on terror, but has now changed his mind.
As an additional challenge, Obama is now stating that he will keep detainees indefinately, despite his contention that Gitmo was a clear violation of America’s values and Constitution – something that he restated just last month.
“Coach Kerry teaches by example, which is why I’ve asked him to help me with my flip-flop regarding Gitmo – the similarities are too amazing to ignore,” Obama explained. “I was actually for closing Guantanamo Bay before I was against it when it served my political objectives, and his experience in being for something before being against it made him the perfect teacher for this inexperienced politician.”
“His instruction is particularly useful when you consider that many of his flip-flops occured over the course of just a few days, just like my Gitmo flip-flop did.”
Obama is certain that these methods will work for his Gitmo problem, especially since Kerry was nowhere near as popular with the state-run media as he is. Besides, the media works for him these days anyway, as we saw demonstrated this past week with the health care infomercial broadcast by ABC.
Still, Obama is clearly a politician that likes to cover his bases, and Kerry’s instruction on how to handle flip-flops, particularly those involving war policies, could prove invaluable.
“Look at it this way,” said Obama. “I’ve only been in office for about 5 months, so it’s more likely than not that I will need to perfect the things I’ve learned from Senator Kerry in order to handle the inevitable policy contradictions I’m sure to deliver in the next 3 1/2 years.”
“He’s a great student,” Kerry beamed. “I look forward to seeing him replace me as the Flip-Flop King of the Democrat party in the near future.”
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