James Cameron Will “Terminate” Gulf Oil Spill

While the initial reaction to the news that the White House intends to seek the assistance of James Cameron in solving the oil disaster in the Gulf of Mexico was mixed, the details of their plan have now come to light.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a spokesperson with the administration has revealed the specifics behind their plan to not only stop the oil spill, but also undo the environmental damage that resulted from it.

“After a thorough evaluation of the situation, along with the fact that the President has always been a big fan of the Terminator movies, we concluded that Mr. Cameron’s experience held the answer to solving the most costly disaster in the President’s, I mean America’s history,” the source stated in an off-the-record announcement. 

The administration provided the following details to their plan:

  1. Mr. Cameron will provide a time machine like the one he used in the Terminator movies.
  2. The machine will be used to go back to 1998, which is the year construction began on the Deepwater Horizon rig that caused the disaster.
  3. The mission of the person we send back in time will be to stop construction before it begins.
  4. If successful, the disaster will be prevented because the rig won’t be there to fail, thus saving lives and environmental destruction.

When asked about who the Administration was going to send in the time machine, the spokesperson was unable to provide specifics – although it has been rumoured that Obama might ask “the Governator” (Arnold Schwarzenegger R-CA) to do the job. When asked about this, the spokesperson provided a vague response.

“While the good governor from California possesses the necessary skills to complete this task, working with Republicans on any major issue goes against the President’s progressive nature,” said the source.

“Although, Arnold did demonstrate the ability to act like a human even though he was a machine. Considering that he’s called a RINO due to his ability to look like a Republican while acting like a Democrat, it’s not that far fetched that the President would ask him to complete this vital task,” the source said with a wink.

It’s also possible that Obama himself could make the trip, although it’s believed that he is unwilling give up his vacations, golf game and weekend parties with celebrities in order to deal with a trivial matter like the oil spill.

When asked why the messiah didn’t just speak the word to stop the leak and heal the damage to the environment, the source stated that he couldn’t make commitments like that until his reelection campaign in 2012.

“Just as the real Messiah had to wait until his appointed time, Obama’s appointed time won’t be until then.”

When asked how long this plan would take, the Administration wants to assure the nation that time is nothing to be concerned about.

“Hey, it’s a time machine,” stated the source. “We can take as long as we want to respond to this thing.”

And it looks like that’s exactly what they’re going to do, too.

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