I Pronounce You Man And Dog

RainbowFlagIn light of the recent victories in Iowa and Vermont for the homosexual community, I’ve decided that it’s time for MY rights to  be recognized.

I want to marry my dog.

I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and it just makes sense. After all, if marriage is no longer between one man and one woman, then my definition of marriage carries just as much weight as any other. Simply put, I don’t think it’s fair that my companion of over seven years and my self are prohibited from getting married. I love my dog and I know, based on how he acts when I give him a treat, that he loves me. I simply want that relationship recognized, just as a marriage between a man and a woman used to be recognized.

“But that’s unnatural and contrary to God’s laws,” you might be tempted to say. Well, all I know is that I’ve felt this way about dogs my whole life. You could say that I was “born” this way, so my feelings for my dog are totally valid. Besides, who are you to impose your view of what’s right and wrong on me? What are you, some sort of “dogophobe?”

“Marriage has always been between one man and one woman,” you go on to add.  But let’s face it, marriage is nothing more than a civil arrangement. There’s no significance to marriage other than establishing a means to share property. I want to share my life and my belongings with my dog. Why should the traditional definition of marriage keep us from expressing our commitment and love for each other?

“It’s not legal,” you conclude. Well, then we should change the  law. After all, if the U.S. Constitution can be twisted to find “rights” for murdering babies via abortion, or finding special protections to participate in oral sex practices, then I’m sure there is an “equal protection” clause that can be applied to my situation. This would result in current marriage laws being ruled unconstitutional, thus permitting me to demonstrate the committed relationship I want to share with my dog.

But even if there is no constitutional basis for my dog and I to be married, I demand special laws be put on the books that will make it legal anyway. I believe in this so vehemently, that I’m willing to fight this battle one state at a time. I can start in a dog-friendly state like Texas, and once I win my fight there, I can take it to other states. The states opposed to marriage between a man and a dog will have to come around after that.

To quote Representative Jarod Polis (D-CO) after the Vermont action, “Marriage equality is long overdue in this country and I can’t wait to see which state will be next to step up and provide equal rights to ALL it’s residents.” I couldn’t agree more, Mr. Polis. Soon, I hope, the bigotry of thousands of years against man/dog marriages will be eliminated, and I will be free to have the commitment between my dog and I officially recognized and acknowledged by all.

It’s good to have Mr. Polis on my side. I bet he’s a dog owner.