A new report out of the United Kingdon has sent Al Gore into hiding at his 20,000 square foot home. The release by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine has provided positive proof that global warming is indeed caused by mankind.
However, we have learned that it’s not ALL of mankind that must bear the responsibility for this travesty being hoisted on the earth – instead, we have learned that it’s only FAT people who must be dealt with. According to the report, fat people are to blame for the following reasons:
Overweight people (are) likely to be more responsible for carbon emissions than slim people because they consume more food and fuel.
The study blamed an increased demand for livestock production for meat, believed to be responsible for 20 per cent of all greenhouse gases due to the toxic methane emitted by cows.
A higher dependency on cars.
Already facing heat due to the excessive energy consumption of his mansion, which consumes more than 20 times the national average, Al Gore is now faced with the reality that his obese physique is adding to his global warming footprint.
In an attempt to save face, “Big Al” has asked the Obama administration to prepare bail out funds for Pizza Hut, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Taco Bell. Once he stops patronizing these hangouts, their income and stock values are sure to fall to their lowest levels since his invention of the internet.
We were fortunate to catch up with the Nobel Prize winner at the local Big and Tall Men’s store as he was being fitted for another new (bigger) suit and asked him about this newest “inconvenient truth.” To no one’s surprise, he refused to give us a comment, but as we were ushered away by the secret service, I thought I overheard one of them referring to Gore by a new code name. At least, that’s what I assume the words “Fat Bastard” meant. Either that, or they were talking about the Austin Powers movie.
Probably the most disheartening thing about this latest bit of global warming news is that it fell on Al Gore’s favorite annual holiday, also know as Earth Day. To be faced with the reality that his body is now just as responsible for warming the planet as his home, limousine and private jet are, must have been depressing. Almost as depressing as his lame attempts to defend the numerous lies he put in his “Inconvenient Truth” movie.
Not to be deterred, he has already asked Congress to consider “obesity” taxes on fast food restaurants, vending machines and sugared drinks, in order to fund educational programs and buy carbon offsets from Generation Investment Management, the company he created to save the planet.
He is also raising money to fund his new film, “An Inconvenient Hamburger.” The release date of the film is contingent on his ability to find a Twiggy look-alike to serve as the narrator, but he hopes to have it out for release just in time for barbeque season.